Men look at
their sexual conquests as a baseball game. You start at
first base, throw a feeler to second, and then slide into
third on your way to a home run. Often they lament getting
benched by a foul ball or striking out; even worse is being
walked due to other technicalities. So ladies, let’s
play their game—and beat them at it—as we put
a twist in their line-up. Watch for the change-up as I provide
you with a new version of the home run which will have him
begging you to take him to the ball park while you enjoy
all those extra innings.
Here’s where we look at the basics. Nope, not bats,
balls, and gloves but shoes, make-up, and undergarments.
After all, we have to get ready to play and there
are so many positions to cover.
Ironically, the more successful a woman
is the more she feels she needs to give up her femininity
in order to fit in and be taken seriously in her career.
Yes, there are some positions in which dressing feminine
is not acceptable, like in a high power Wall Street stuff-shirt
corporation; however no one’s inspecting what’s
underneath your “power suit” or keeping tabs
on what you wear outside the office. Why not wear that garter
belt and stockings set. Sure it’s a little frustrating
at times to snap that garter belt perfectly straight but
then, wouldn’t it be wonderful to have your lover
help you put them on? I’d ensure to add an extra half
hour to your morning dress-up time. Then again, there are
some garter belt stocking sets on the market today that
give you the look without the hassle. Let’s not forget
the shoes. Though four and five inch heels may be reserved
for supermodels and those “put me where you want me”
moments, there are some really comfortable pumps and three
inch heels which are practical—and more importantly
comfortable—on the market worth every penny. Find
one that’s sexy and practical and brings out the playful
side of you…then again having on a “slutty”
shoe with a “proper outfit” will leave them
wondering just what is underneath that power suit.
And don’t forget to purchase that
sexy negligee you’ve been eyeing at the Lingerie store
for the pass few weeks. So what you’re not in a relationship
at the moment and no one else will immediately see it. You’re
seeing it! Why can’t you allow yourself to be sexy
even if you don’t have a lover at the moment? Who
said you’re only allowed to be sexual once you’ve
made a connection with another human being? Perhaps the
same person who declared a woman shouldn’t buy a home
of her own unless she’s married. Well times have changed
and looking sensual for yourself is just as important as
it is to look sensual for another person. Being sexy starts
with you not with your lover! Thus throw out those granny
panties and get some Fredrick’s of Hollywood action
going on. Yep, they even have plus sizes for girls with
voluptuous curves like me.
Once you have the clothing down, don’t forget the
make-up. Sure it’s a pain in the butt to always have
to put on make-up in the morning. You know the routine:
foundation, eye shadow, eyeliner, blush, lipstick…did
I forget anything—oh yes, the mascara. Instead of
looking at it as a chore, why not see it for what it really
is. It’s 15 minutes to half an hour each morning to
take time for yourself and appreciate yourself.
A brief time to affirm that you care enough about the person
in the mirror to want to feel good regarding how you present
yourself to others and how they perceive you. And for those
that enjoy standing out, it’s a wonderful affirmation
which says, “Here I am” as you put
on the dark Goth make-up. Hey when I was a teenager, dark
brown lipstick was all I wore, even when my uncle said it
looked like I smeared grease on my lips.
Even before you step up to the plate everyone knows that
practicing your pitch and your swing is the difference between
striking out, a base hit, and the ultimate—a home
run. Your sensuality is no different. Knowing what you like
and what drives you wild is essential in any relationship.
The only way you can share what you enjoy most with a new
lover (or an existing one) is if you know some of the basics
yourself. At least then you can go from being like the average
woman who’s unsure about her desires to becoming the
lover he wouldn’t let go.
Learning your body and the touch you enjoy
most is a little embarrassing at times. We’ve been
taught it’s not appropriate to touch ourselves and
even the word masturbation holds such negativity. I purposely
use it in seminars to help people desensitize from it. Come
on say it three times with me. Masturbation. Masturbation.
Masturbation. There that wasn’t so hard was it? It’s
merely you loving yourself. Giving yourself pleasure. Being
the best lover you can be and then sharing that experience
with another when you find them worthy of playing along.
There are so many fun ways to pleasure
yourself, so many places to do it in, so many toys you can
incorporate to make it even more thrilling it would take
me hours to go through them all. Therefore I’ll say
this—experiment! Discover your body. Learn where you
enjoy a soft touch, a sensual touch, even a rougher more
passionate touch, and then you’ll be able to convey
this to your partner. The same is true of him. If you’re
apprehensive about who might walk in on you while you’re
experimenting, lock the door or go into the bathroom. The
shower is a wonderful place to explore. The soap allows
you to sensually glide your hand everywhere and helps relieve
friction over more sensitive areas as you stroke them. And
I swear those shower massagers were invented with women
in mind. What a devious little mind the inventor had.
Explore your body everywhere you can wherever
you feel comfortable. The Jacuzzi is an erotic thrill with
all those power jets working. Have you discovered yet what
it feels like for ice to melt on your belly, your breasts,
dare I mention other areas while you lay back in a sauna?
And what about laying outside on your hammock beneath the
star? Just what would it feel like to expose your breasts
to the night breeze and gently tease your nipples?
You’re an adult now. You can do whatever you wish
with your body. Share it with yourself. The limitations
to your sexuality are yours to set. Embrace your sensual
and sexual divinity! If not now, when?
First Base -- Foreplay
Flirting takes practice. As I teach in my book, The
Latina Kama Sutra, I recommend you flirt with someone
at least three times a day. Nope, it can’t be the
same person. To discover the art of flirting it’s
imperative you experiment with various people. Yes, courting
rejection is actually encouraged! After all, how else would
you know if it’s not working unless you were rejected?
Practice with simple things, like trying
to get a seat on the train or bus. Having a man open the
door for you—yes, it’s very chivalrous of him
and makes him feel “like a man” to be able to
do something for “a lady”. Lure someone you
like to share a cup of coffee with you or slow down enough
to have a brief conversation. Why not ask him out on a date?
My rule is, if I invite—I pay. He’ll have plenty
of opportunities to splurge on me in the dates to come.
And of course the ultimate question for
that first date—to kiss or not to kiss?
First Base—The game’s
Personally, I believe the way a man kisses reveals the type
of lover he’ll be. If he slobbers all over your face,
he needs practice and isn’t very experienced, or hasn’t
been taught well—a perfect opportunity for you to
practice your coaching skills. If his tongue invades your
mouth and he thrusts within taking little time to finesse
your tongue into dueling with his, he’ll be a selfish
lover and well honestly, get rid of the frog so your prince
will come. However, if he gently teases your mouth into
opening and slowly lets his tongue trace your lips before
deviling within to coax your tongue into playing with his,
that’s the passionate lover you’ve been waiting
It’s important that you know how
to kiss as well. Don’t forget women can be frogs too
and many men are watching to see just how far you’ll
go to tease them and lure them into your web. After all,
men need to be seduced as well.
The beauty of a kiss is its sensuality.
It’s how you execute the move. Not only the logistics
of how to angle your head to avoid knocking each other out,
or strategically taking off your glasses a few minutes before
you lean in to taste him, it’s about seducing him
into wanting to be kissed and then wanting more. This is
where being a tease is the ultimate compliment.
Start by brushing your lips against his
cheek and nibbling softly. Whisper in his ear that you’d
like to see if he tastes as good as he looks or to see if
he’s as delicious as he smells. Yes, you are the seductress,
later he can be He-man. Once he gives his breathless
approval, you can make your way to his lips. Gently brush
your lips against his. Wait until he parts them before nibbling.
If he tries to speed up the kiss, just pull back slightly
and he’ll get the hint. If not, you can always end
the kiss, or merely communicate with him that you’d
like to take this first kiss slow. Trust me, he’ll
learn his lesson quickly and allow you to run the show for
a while as he revels in your sweet seduction. When you’re
ready to move forward, and you’ve nibbled a little,
let your tongue trace his upper lip before circling the
lower one and tugging it with your teeth before deepening
the kiss. I’m sure he’s learned his lesson and
will hold back a little until he hears your moans increasing.
You might notice his hands tighten on your hips or draw
you closer as he struggles with the desire to take the kiss
to a higher level and allowing you to set the pace. Coax
his tongue into playing with yours. If he again tries to
speed things up and you don’t wish him to—or
if you want to heighten the sensations for both of you—trap
his tongue between your teeth. Press lightly. Then rank
your teeth along the length of his tongue before sucking
it into your mouth to sooth it. Mmmmm now that
will definitely rock his world and show you the type of
lover he’ll be as he shares more with you, begs you
to do it again, or asks you to do it a little softer. Then
again, he might just have reached the end of his endurance
and takes control of the kiss. Which would you prefer?
Then of course we can’t forget the
teasing kiss along his jaw line and the sensual enticement
of the Vampire kiss that leads to deeper desires and marking
your property—yeap the hickey. If you do
it correctly, you won’t leave a mark, yet he’ll
feel the pressure on his neck for a few days and constantly
check to ensure there’s no mark as he recalls just
how sexy you were. You can practice getting the right pressure
without leaving a mark on your own arm. Then again, if you
oops, they make turtleneck sweaters in all sizes.
And of course kissing isn’t only
on the mouth and neck, there’s also his collarbone,
his chest, his tiny nipples which are so sensitive just
the flick of your tongue will make him arch toward your
sensual lips as something else further south bangs against
the front of his jeans. But wait…that’s Second
Base and we’re not ready for that yet. Or are
we? When should you move on to Second Base? Why
don’t you tell me before I continue and give a few
tidbits on how to drive him crazy on Second before
rounding Third. Please send your comments to: email@example.com
Dr. Charley Ferrer is a Clinical Sexologist and
Sex Therapist who helps individuals reclaim their sensual
and sexual divinity. She coaches individuals throughout
the U.S. and Latin America on ways to improve their relationships
and become better lovers. Her Telephone Coaching Services
are a fantastic way for individuals outside of New York
City to be able to take advantage of her world renowned
expertise. She’s even developed an entire program
on Dominance and Submission. She is the award winning author
of The W.I.S.E. Journal for the
Sensual Woman and The Latina Kama Sutra: The Ultimate Guide
to Dating Sex and Erotic Pleasure.
Dr. Charley is a freelance writer and international columnist.
She values your feedback and looks forward to hearing from
you and/or answering any questions you may have. Please
visit her website www.instituteofpleasure.org